Heatherchef Blog

Today was my Dad's birthday, I felt quite bad for not being able to afford to buy him much. In the end I put £10 in with his birthday card. He wants a Sat Nav, so he will be putting the £10 towards one.

Today my dad laided out a small selection of party food. I decided to put some music on. Not sure why, but I started thinking about my birthday. I always seem to spend the day unhappy or tearful in my room. The last birthday I last enjoyed was my 19th. I was still living in London, it wasn't anything big. It was just a few close mates going for a bite to eat and a bar afterwards. The laughs we had feels like a life time ago now. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive that time in my life. I feel I missed out on a lot since then, partly of my own making, Confidences.

I want to regain control of my life, sometimes I feel trapped. I am not sure what to think anymore. I so want my business idea to work, I spend hours working on this.

My best friend had her birthday on the 30th Oct. As normal she always invites me to her party. Every year I always tell her I won't be able to make it. I can tell she is hurt by this, but its so hard to please everyone. The last time I met up with her for her birthday was 1998.
It does show what a bad best friend I am, I always send her a card and birthday present. It isn't the same as being there.

Its like I am being pulled in two diresction, my old life in London or living in Lincolnshire with my parents. I so try to please everyone, but the truth is I can't. I don't mind living with my parents, but I just feel so cut of from my friends. I feel deeply depressed and unhappy. I don't seem to be able to get this across to them. My parents put my moods down to me not being able to get work up here, but it runs deeper then that. Since moving up here I never felt I fit in around here. I always try my best with people, but its the same old story, your not from around here. I feel deeply hurt and the only time I truely feel happy is when I am in London suround by the people who know me and care about me.

I am so scaried of everything at the moment, I never known myself to have so much fear inside me. My main problem is my confidences, I know it will take time, but I hope this self help group will help me to take back some control over everything.

With my business idea, I can see the market for shell gifts. I just hoping this will go well for me.

Well its been a while since I wrote in my blog, so I though I better give a update on whats been happen with me for the last few days.
I've been pushing ahead with my business plan to start a shell craft gift business. Spoke to some very helpful people at business link, who emailed me some information on writing a business plan.

At the start of the week a few companies finally told me how much it would cost to print and design my brocures. The prices range from £250- £345. The price was way too much, all I wanted was 25 brocures to start me of. Just to test the waters. So I had to start thinking of a way of getting the price down.

I was looking around the internet, when I came across a website, where you can design your brocure online and the company world print them up for me. I spent the week on this site designing and addeding my own photos with text. The end result looked brillant. I paid £79.48 for them. I am so nerves they will come out rubbish. I have always been a terrible spelling, so my mum went though my spellings with a fine tooth comb. Next week the brocurs will arrive and then I can start sending them out to the companies who requested them from me. I am so praying this will work out for me. I need to stay possitive and keep pushing ahead with this.

Also today went up to my appointment with the conillor. I was only there for less then 20 mintures discussing opions and ticking all the boxes.
So I have opted for the group theapy appoch, not too sure how I will get on with sitting around a circue with people. Well I need to keep saying to myself everyone is the same boat as me. I can't help but think this is a cost cutting concilloring seaison. Maybe its just me.

Well not much else to add really, the same old stuff is happening here. Well I hope everyone has a great weekend

I've spent the best part of last week pushing myself foward and trying to get somewhere with my life. Sometimes I feel like giving up on this. I feel there is a market for upmarket shell gift, but its differecult to get your foot through the door first.

This moring I woke up feeling really tird and run down, somehow I got to keep pushing at this idea. I hav this little red book and so far I have the address of the merchandising director at john lewis and a load more address of possible gift and department store that might stock my items.

I really want to just get one gift shop to allow me to stock my shell mirror and frame collection. The I know I am on the right track here.
I think what is the main problem here is, when someone says beach shell frame the first thought that pops in to everyones head is, cheap imports or cheaply made. I am trying to get the point across my work is not like that. The glue I use is high quaity and the glaze is good too.

I have been working at finding a company to print and design my shell brochure. So far I have emailed a few plcaes. The price arranges form £345. I managed to get the price down to £210. Today I spent the best part of this morning writing the words I want to use to market my brochure. Its so differcult to get the wording to look and sound the way it needs to sound. I believe in what I am doing so hopefully the words will show that.

I woke this more trying to put a brave face on, trying to stay up beat with everything happening around me. For some reason it doesn't matter how positive I stay my family seem to dash my upbeat mood in one.

Today I though right less get going, so I turned on the computer looking for a brochure printers and Designers.Then set to work on designing a brochure, well I even added a few photos ect. I only asked my dad what he thinks and I get my head bitten off. I felt it was uncalled for.
The reason I lack so much in confidences is everyone around me dashes the slighist hope I have. I am sitting here watching my life slowly being taken up with there problems and having them put on me.

I feel really trapped and want to break free of this. I really want a job or some kind of purpose in life. At the moment I feel like I am not living. I don't even think my family can see what they are doing wrong here. All I know is the presure is getting to me. I have been saving up just in case it gets too much, at the moment I am having to save a little. Thats why I need to get a job or this business of mine starts to work.

I feel so tired and I never seem to have a single moment to myself without having to help out with my nephew. The whole thing is wearing me down. Everyone expects so much from me, Its almost breaking me. I am always looking for ways out or to improve. Like finding a job or starting a business, but for some reason I always seem to end up back where I started. Well take today,

I spent most of the evening cooking a nice dinner. I plated every ones up and then at last I have my own in front of me on tray. To be honest I never really facncyed eating any of it. I left must of it. My diet has completly gone down hill. Well take this morning I had once chocolate youget, then during the day nibbled on chcolate. I know its comfort eating related to stress.

My dad spent the day moarning about everything, being ill, my nan, social services, my sister ect. He spent most of the day searching for trailer tents on sites like ebay to bid on. Its starting to piss me off. We already have a caravan in the drive that never been used by us.
I love spending time in the caravan away from everyone in the bunglow, it felt like my own hid out away from the troubles.

I spent wholes sticking shells and making photo frames. I used to go out there early in the morning and spend most of the day out there. During the end of summer my dad decided I can't use the caravan anymore, because he is thinking of selling it, because it isn't doing much here. I wish I had the money to buy it of him there and then. Its the only place I had to get away from everything and now I have no where. I have to lishen to the consent moarning from everyone about how hard it is for them to have to look after my nephew because of my sister.

I feel like shouting at them well what about me I am 23, never had a proper job, I gave up my friends and my family to move away from London to be with you and now treat me like a complete mug, expecting to much of me. When I even try tp explain how I feel I am then shut down. I feel so sad and depressed. Sometimes I find myself day dreaming about how I want my life to be, a nice job, friends, happiness, carm, relaxed, nice place to live. Then I find my self back here again.

I am so missing my friends now, I know it will come a time when they will all give up on me and I will be completly alone. The thought of this feels me with sadness. I really don't know what to do.

Everything is getting me down again. I try to stay positive and keep looking for different oppertunities to improve my life, but each time they tend to fail. I feel so boxed in and depressed. My family take me for granted and I feel I am at breaking point. I love my little nephew, but I am not his mum. I have noiced incressly my Dad expecting me to put my nephew to bed every night read him a story ect. I am even helping him to potty trainning him.

When I start to reject on being put on, everyone starts to make me feel very ungreatful, and then my parents start saying its worse for them. I just want to cry now, but I need to stay strong.

I am so mixed up at the moment. Well yesterday I was not well at all. I woke up with P.M.T and cramps. I felt so sick and in pain. The tablets I take for the pain had run out, but just haven't had the time to get anymore from the doctors. So spent the whole morning holding a bucket feeling sick and rolled up in a ball in pain on my bed. Just after 12 the pain started carming down. I walked in to the living room just to be remined by my mum I got to put my washing on the line. My legs were like jelly by this point, I just wanted to sit down. As normal I just got on with it, went out side and hanged the washing out.

I used to enjoy living up home, but now I am so on edge and unable to relax. Then my parents want me to look after my nephew or my nephew wants me to play with him. Its just non stop. The hours go so quickly in the day, I never really have time to myself, apart from now.
I just want to enjoy life, like most people my age. I am 23 and already I have regrets. Well I need to be strong and hopefully my luck will change.

Today my main plan of action is to finda printer and designer to make up maybe 100 brochure to help sell my shell photo frames and mirrors. Its such a differecult market to get in to. I have spoken to a few gift shops that has shown some intrest, they want me to send a brochure of my shell designs. Still waiting to hear back from one I came across in the yellow pages book. I really hope this will work out for me.

One of my best friends is studying fashion and textsyles at uni and she has already offered to help me with the designing of the brochure. Which is very nice of her, she is so busy herself, I don't want to put too much work on her, so I am looking around. Well hopefully by the end of the day I have heard of one of the many brochures printers I have emailed in the last few days.

Today was the same really nothing much happened. I was due to go to a interview, but was talked out of going by my parents. Mainly because if I got the job, it would mean I would have to use my dad's car to get to work. I said I would pay for the fuel ect. I was only planning to use the car until I had saved enough money up to get a car of my own.

My Dad spoke to me about the job being so far away and it wouldn't be wouth it in the long run, due to all the over heads I would have to pay fual ect. Plus he weren't happy for me to use the car just in case he needed to run my mum to a hospital appointment. So he ended up telling me it was a bad idea and talked me out of it. After week spoke I went to my room and cried for awhile. I just feel so trapped and really want to work. I know it was a hour drive away, but to work for a few months there would of really helped me build my confirdence up and plus my experience. I was then planning to find a job much nearer to home.

I tried to explain to my dad that I had to sign back on Jobseekers next week and they would be pushing me in to go for jobs in the same area I had the interview. The place where I live is seaison work and I never seem to stand a chance. Well my dad then suggested I send the appecation form back for a job at the local hospicas accross the road for a assisat cook. This is the same job I went for last December and attend the interview and never got the job. I have seen the same job on the jobcentre plus website which keeps coming up and this the four time I have counted seeing this job come up in less then a year.
I can see where my Dad is coming from.

Well I have not made shell frames for ages now, so I have been trying to find ways of earning my own money. So I hit on the idea of appoching local gift shops and store in my local area and plus a few places in London. Asking if they would be willing to stock any of my shell designed items. Well so far I have one garden centre intrested and wanting me to send them a booklet to the buyers department.

Also I send a email to John Lewis store and they gave me there head of buyer department address to send them a booklet too. As normal I am not getting my hopes up. I really want my shell crafted frames to take of, but so differcult finding somewhere to even look at them. This is something I really enjoy doing and would love to make it my living, but at the moment I am not earning nothing from this. I do get upset about not finding a place to sell them. I wish I had more links with people in retail ect.

Well had a wasted trip to the theapist today, not too pleased really.
I went up to my appointment with the letter, got to the desk handed the letter over. Never thought nothing of it until the lady at the desk seemed suprised by the letter. After standing at the desk for a few long mins waitting for her to tell me to take a seat, she then starts phoning around and pulling forlders out. She was a nice helpful lady, but I feel even more nerves. After a while she told me there had been some kind of admin error and the letter meant to have had friday instead of Thrusday prianted. She past the phone over to me and on the other end was a Admin assisant for the theapist. She asked me to leave a telephone number so the theapist can contact me back. I was told to go home and the theapist will phone me.

I got back to the car where my dad was waitting for me. He seemed suprise to see me back so quickly. I then explained what had happened. I could not help but feel bad for my dad wasteing his time driving me up to the appointment. The I started feel fed up to. The phone range a few house later and theapist explained about the error and how my appoint was this Friday. And will I still be able to attend. Well I had to say no, because the appointment would clash with my interview for catering job. So the whole thing has left me feeling very fed up and on edge.

I was hoping by having this appoint today would help me to feel less stress for the interview on Friday. Well to be honest I feel totaly let down by the NHS in Lincolnshire. They are so slow and tight with there funds. Well the theapist has said because I can not attend the appointment, I will have to wait another two weeks to see her. Which I think is disraceful. I never made the error they did, so why do I get treated like this. When I lived in London and had theapist before, I used to see her once a week until the 12 seassions came to a end. Well where I am the seaisons only take place once every two weeks.

I am starting feel what is the point now in seeking help, when you get treated like this. Sometimes the only way foward is for you to help yourself. I know what the problem is and all I wanted was to talk them through with someone and feel in control again. I hate feeling stressed and alone. Well I got the interview this Friday and I need to stay forcused. Try not to get my hopes up. Its been so long now I have been out of work, I just want that break.